Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] I've discovered a new life hack that I'd like to share with you all. Maybe to say I discovered it is not true because it's nothing really new to us. Maybe it's fair to say I've rediscovered it. It's inspired by a novel I read called the Picture of Dorian Gray. In the Picture of Dorian Gray, a young man retains his youthfulness and innocence, while a hidden portrait reflects the corruption of his soul as he pursues a life of hedonism and moral decay. And, fuck me, but I think we could all use a life with a little more hedonism and moral decay in it. So I started thinking about how I could accomplish, you know, and then it hit me. You can just lie, right?
[00:00:36] Let's use an example from the book. Did you tempt, seduce, and then reject the young actress Sybil Vane, causing her to kill herself?
[00:00:44] No. No, I did not. See, it works.
[00:00:48] It's easy and it's cool. Now, when we were young, you weren't supposed to lie. Your parents would get in trouble for lying, right? And even now, some people say, I don't know if you should be lying, but, hey, the most powerful man in the world, Donald Trump. And he is the most powerful man in the world. Look at that guy lie. He lies about everything and nobody ever calls him on it. It's fine. It's fine.
[00:01:10] Remember a couple weeks ago, he came out with this idea that Joe Biden was murdered, assassinated in 2020, and he was replaced by a clone. Yeah, he actually came out with that. And everybody just ignored it. Nobody said boo about it. We just pretended like it wasn't the craziest thing we'd ever heard and went on with our day. The guy lies like a sidewalk, as they say, and 140 million Americans love him. They love him. They love him. So learn from the best, folks. If he can lie, we can lie. The problem is we're kind of nobodies, right? We don't have the power that he has. So we have to come up with something called plausible deniability. And congratulations to everyone here. You've taken a big first step towards that. Now, why? Because you're here and you're watching amateur comedy and you're supporting it. And you all deserve a round of applause for that. Yeah. You're great. You're great people.
[00:01:58] So now, next time, is anybody here with their girlfriend or their wife or their partner, their boyfriend or their husband or anything like that? Yeah. So they've seen you. They know you're here. You know, they're here. So the next time they go out and you would like to go do that thing that is shameful and is a secret that you can't tell them about. Well now you don't say I'm going to go to the casino or, or I'm gonna go and have a drink with a new guy from work. Or there's an old toothless hooker downtown with a mattress and an alley that I'm gonna go fool around with. You know, you just tell them that you're gonna go see a couple comedians and it's plausible. It's a lie, but it's plausible. Now all you gotta do is keep your story straight and you're scot free. Enjoy those slot machines. Enjoy the glass of wine with Enrique in purchasing.
[00:02:45] Enjoy that back alley blowjob from old Soon Ja. You know, lying. Lying can be fun. You know that game Two truths and a lie? When I play it, I just tell three lies. I let them figure it out. For example, I have a master's in public policy from Harvard Kennedy School. My grandfather invented the bird dance. My penis is the same size as the average 18 month old baby's arm, including the little fist at the end. I'm going to share with you my favorite lie. The one I most often use to get myself out of trouble. I pretend I have a brother. Like a fake brother that has whatever condition I just made fun of that offended somebody. Yeah. And it's really easy, you know. Here's a few examples. I apologize. I actually have a brother who has down syndrome and he's so happy and joyful all the time I forget it's a disability. He's my hero. See? See? Who can argue with that? Who can argue with that? I'm sorry. I actually have an adopted brother who's indigenous.
[00:03:43] I know firsthand the effects of generational trauma. I should be more sensitive. Scot free. And my last example, I apologize for that last joke. My brother is actually an old toothless Korean prostitute.
