Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Good evening, everybody. My name's David. I'm in my 50s, in case you couldn't tell. I'm at the age where people lie to you about how old you look. As a form of a compliment, you could pass for 48. Why would I want to pass for 48? Who's out there thinking, if only I could have the golden age of 48 back? It's either that or they tell me they like the color of my shirt. That's the only other compliment someone my age really gets. Hey, I really like the color of that shirt.
[00:00:23] Yeah, thanks. It was clean and on top of the basket. I'm a proud member of Generation X, the last cool generation, you know? And I can see some of my Gen X buddies in the audience today, so hopefully you can relate to some of this. Remember when we were all the here for a good time, not a long time crowd? The plan was to live fast, die young.
[00:00:43] Well, that didn't work out, did it? Now we're on to plan B. Live slow, die eventually. Do you guys remember pre gaming? Like, before, we'd go to the club or the bar, we'd go over to some buddy's house and drank shots to get ready.
[00:00:57] Some of you guys would do some MDMA or maybe a little bit of coke as we were going into the bar just to stay on point. Boy, that sure changed, eh? Pre gaming's a little different now, eh? Now it's Tylenol. Yeah, Tylenol. While we think of excuse not to go.
[00:01:11] Now, before I hit the bar, I have to do a couple bumps of ibuprofen just to make it through the night. I don't get to hang out with my friends as much as I used to. They're busy, I'm busy. Everybody's so busy.
[00:01:21] Hanging out with friends at my age is like sex. When you've been married for a long time, it doesn't happen unless it's from someone from work, and then it doesn't count.
[00:01:30] Look, I know I have a weird body. I've got the head and torso of someone who's 6 4, stuck on the legs of someone who's 5 3. Yeah, I've heard it all. Hey, buddy. You look like a short guy who had half a wish. Granted, I used to really bother me until I started following the body positivity movement. Now I realize I'm not broken. I'm special folks. I just might be the world's tallest midget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say, david you can't say midget. It's offensive. But who's it offensive to, right? This is my journey. I'm reclaiming the word. I'm taking the power away from it.
[00:02:10] Then people will say, yeah, but it's. It's degrading. Yeah, but so was nerd. Remember that? Look at those guys now. Everybody's a nerd about something these days.
[00:02:19] David, just use the term little person. Well, I can't use the term little person. I'm not little. And being the world's tallest little person is just a person. It means nothing.
[00:02:31] It's like being the richest guy at the homeless shelter. Or the best looking woman at bingo. Speaking of the homeless shelter, you know who's got it tough now?
[00:02:40] Bums.
[00:02:41] Hey, you know what bums and payphones have in common?
[00:02:45] You never see them in nice places and ugh, can you imagine touching one?
[00:02:50] But also, their economies were really based on people having spare change. And nobody has spare change anymore. You know, the golden age of the bum. It wasn't that long ago. No, sir.
[00:03:01] Back when we were all walking around with pockets full of change. And if a guy came up to you and wanted some, you'd happily give him some. Guy, hey, buddy, you got any spare change? You dig into your pockets, pull a handful out, keep the toonies and the loonies, toss them the rest, and you'd feel like you just solved homelessness.
[00:03:19] Remember, you always had that buddy who was weirdly jealous of the bums?
[00:03:23] Yeah, he'd be like, oh, don't give them any money. I hear those guys make as much as lawyers. Yeah, I don't know. The bums didn't look like they made as much as lawyers, did they? But now I tap for everything.
[00:03:36] I never have change. Nobody has changed. Guy comes up to me looking for spare change. Now I feel like I gotta break the news to him. Buddy, it's 2024. Nobody has spare change anymore. We left change behind with Blockbuster Video and flirting at work and fax machines and saying yolo and songs with guitar solos.
[00:03:59] You know, who needs the tap now? Bums. Bums need the tap. Imagine one of those guys coming up to you and asking you for 10 bucks and pulling out a square reader. Eh, you'd have to think pretty fast to get out of that. You know what I'd do? I'd say, hey, do you take American Express?
[00:04:14] And then I'd beat it before he asked for my debit card. The only change I carry now is my Superstore loony and I'm not giving that up to anybody for anything. What, do you expect me to carry my groceries in a basket? You ever see those losers? They're weird. No, no, Mr. Bum. You need my loony to get food. Weirdly enough, so do I.
[00:04:34] You know, I've discovered a new life hack. I mean, maybe saying I've discovered it isn't really true because it's always been around, but maybe I've rediscovered it. You know, my life hack is inspired by the book the Picture of Dorian Gray.
[00:04:48] I'll assume you're not into 18th century literature written by notable pederasts, so allow me to summarize. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde is a novel about a young man who remains physically youthful and innocent looking while. While a hidden portrait reflects the corruption of his soul as he pursues a life of hedonism and moral de. Gay. And fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think we could all use a little more hedonism and moral decay. Don't you think? So I really thought hard about how I could live a life like Dorian Gray and also not bear the slings and arrows of a corrupted soul. And then it hit me. The solution's always been right in front of me. We can just lie.
[00:05:27] Let's use an example from the book to explain. Did you tempt, seduce and then reject the actress Sybil Vane, causing her to kill herself?
[00:05:38] No.
[00:05:39] See, that's it. That's all you got to do. It's easy. And the beauty of it is it's cool. Now, remember when our parents used to say, oh, kids, don't lie. Even now, there will be some squares out there saying, yeah, I don't know, David, I don't know if you should advocate people telling lies, but it's cool.
[00:05:56] Look at Donald Trump. Look at him. Love him or hate him, he's the most powerful man in the world. He is. He really is.
[00:06:04] That man lies about everything. He doesn't even try to hide it. Remember a couple weeks ago, Trump said that President Joe Biden was killed. He was assassinated in 2020 and replaced by a clone. And everybody just went on with their day like this wasn't crazy. He says whatever he wants to, and 140 million Americans love him for it.
[00:06:23] They love them. They love them to pieces. Learn from the best, guys. Learn from the best.
[00:06:29] However, we're not the most powerful men in the world. We're kind to nobodies. And being nobodies, we need to prepare a little. One thing that we're gonna need is called plausible Deniability. And congratulations, everybody. You've all started down the path of establishing that tonight. How, you may ask? You're here, so you're establishing that you support and are a fan of amateur comedy. And you all deserve a round of applause for doing so. Yeah, you're good people.
[00:06:58] Now, is anybody here with a wife or a girlfriend or their partner or their husband or their boyfriend? Yeah. Well, now they know you enjoy and support amateur comedy, and you know they do as well. So next time your partner or your girlfriend or your wife or your boyfriend, your husband or whatever it is goes out and you think, hey, I'd like to go do that shameful thing I don't want them to know about. You know, maybe it's going to the casino. Maybe there's a new person of the opposite gender at work that you'd like to go out for a glass of wine with. Hmm? Or maybe downtown there's an old toothless Korean hooker with a mattress in an alley and you'd like to go fool around with them. You know, it's up to you what it actually is, but all you have to say is, you know what? Since you're going out, I'm gonna go catch some comedy. And they'll be like, okay, it's a lie, but it's plausible. Now just keep your story straight, don't feel too guilty and do not say the wrong thing. And welcome to a life of decay and hedonism, my friends. Enjoy that slot machine or that glass of wine with Rick from Purchasing, or a sloppy back alley blowjob from old Kim Soon Ja.
[00:08:06] Lying can be fun. Have you heard of the game Two truths and a Lie? When I play it, I just tell three lies and I let them figure it out. I have a master's degree in public policy from Harvard Kennedy School.
[00:08:18] My grandfather invented the bird dance. My penis is the same size as an 18 month old baby's arm, including a little fist at the bottom. I'm gonna let you in on one of my favorite lies. If I say the wrong thing and offend somebody, which happens kind of often, I of course apologize. Then I tell them I have a brother who has the same whatever it is that I made a joke about that offended the people, and then they can't be mad at me anymore. I get off scot free. I apologize. I did not mean to be offensive.
[00:08:50] I actually have a brother who has down syndrome and he's always so happy and joyful. I guess I forget it's a disability. You know, he's my hero.
[00:08:59] See? Nobody can argue with that. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so insensitive. I actually have an adopted brother who's indigenous, and I've seen firsthand the effects of generational trauma. I'll be more careful next time.
[00:09:14] Scot free. Scot free, folks. And finally, I apologize for any offense in my last joke. My brother's actually an old, toothless Korean hooker.
