Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Look, I know of a weird body. I've got the torso of a guy who's 64 and the legs of someone who's 5 4. And yeah, I've heard it all. Hey buddy. You look like a short guy who had half a wish. Granted, that used to bother me until the body positivity movement helped me realize I'm not weird, I'm special. I might be the world's tallest midget.
[00:00:21] The first time I said that, someone goes, you can't say midget. It's offensive. Yeah, well, it's my body, not yours. I'm reclaiming the word. This is my journey. I'm controlling the narrative, as they say, and I'm taking away the word's power. People say it's derogatory. Yeah, well, so was nerd. Look at those guys now. Now everybody wants to be a nerd about something. Me saying midget isn't derogatory, it's proud and resilient.
[00:00:48] Haters say, just use the term little person. But I'm not little.
[00:00:52] I can't be the world's tallest little person. That's just a person. It doesn't mean anything. It's like being the richest bum at the homeless shelter. Or the best looking woman at bingo.
[00:01:04] What can I tell you about me? I'm in my 50s. In case you couldn't tell. I'm at the age where people lie to you about how old you look as a form of a compliment. You're 53. Wow, you could totally pass for 48.
[00:01:17] Why would I want to pass for 48? Who's out there thinking, oh, if only I could have that golden year of 48 back?
[00:01:25] It's either that or they tell me that they like the color of my shirt. That's the only other compliment guys like me get. Hey, I like the color of your shirt. Yeah, thanks. It was clean and on top of the basket.
[00:01:38] I'm a proud member of Generation X. The last cool generation. Do we have any other Gen Xers out there? Hey, do you guys remember pre gaming? Before going to the club, we would all go to a buddy's house and do shots. Some of you would take MDMA or do a few bumps of cocaine to stay on point. Boy, that sure changed. Eh, pre gaming is a little different now. Now I take a nap before I go out. The only pills I'm popping are a couple of Tylenol while I try to think up an excuse not to go.
[00:02:06] Now, before I hit the bar, I have to do a couple of bumps of ibuprofen to make it through the night. You know, being this old, I don't get to hang out with my friends as much as I used to. They're busy, I'm busy. There's just too much going on. Hanging out with friends at my age is like sex. When you've been married for a long time, it doesn't happen unless it's with someone from work, and then it doesn't count.
[00:02:27] Hey, guys. I've discovered a new life hack. Well, it's not new, so I suppose I've rediscovered it. My life hack is Inspired by a 19th century novel by Oscar Wilde. In the picture of Dorian Gray, a young man remains physically youthful and innocent looking, while a hidden portrait reflects the corruption of his soul as he pursues a life of hedonism and moral decay. Well, fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think this world could use a lot more hedonism and moral decay.
[00:02:55] So I thought hard about how I could live a life like Dorian Gray and also not bear the slings and arrows of a corrupt soul. And then it hit me. I could just lie.
[00:03:08] Here's an example from the novel. Did you tempt, seduce, and then reject the actress Sybil Vane, causing her to kill herself? No.
[00:03:19] See, it's easy. And the beauty is it's cool now. It is. Remember when our parents would tell us not to lie? Oh, David, only bad people tell lies. There are probably even a few squares in the crowd right now thinking, I don't know if you should be encouraging people to lie, but it's fine, it's fine. Now just look at Donald Trump. Love him or hate him, he's the most powerful man in the world. He is. He really, really is. And that man lies like a sidewalk, as they say. He doesn't even try to hide it. Remember recently, Trump said that President Joe Biden was killed in 2020 and replaced by a clone. And everybody just went on with their day like this wasn't the craziest thing they'd ever heard. Trump says whatever he wants to and 140 million Americans love him for it. They love him. Learn from the best, man. Learn from the best. Lying is okay now, however, being nobodies, which I hate to break it to everyone, is what we are, we need to prepare a little. We don't have Donald Trump's power. So the one thing we're going to need is called plausible deniability. Congratulations. Many you have taken the first step towards that tonight. If you are here with a girlfriend or a partner or a wife or A boyfriend or a husband, then you are establishing with them right now that you enjoy and support amateur comedy. And you all deserve a round of applause for doing so. Now, next time your partner or girlfriend or wife or boyfriend or husband has something going on, like they're going out or something, and you think that you would like to go out and do something that they wouldn't agree with. You know, like maybe you want to go to the casino, or you've been thinking of grabbing a glass of wine with that cute and flirty guy you work with. Or maybe there's an old toothless Korean hooker downtown that has a mattress in the alley and you'd like to go fool around with her. I mean, this is all your business anyway. You tell your girlfriend or boyfriend or husband or wife that you're gonna go see amateur comedy. It's a lie, but it's plausible. So just keep your story straight and welcome to a life of moral decay and hedonism. Enjoy that slot machine or that glass of wine with Rick from Purchasing or the back alley gummer from old Kim Soon Ja. You've earned it. Lying can be fun and make you seem more interesting. Have you guys ever heard of the game Two truths and a Lie? Well, when I play it, I just tell three lies and I let them figure it out. For example, I have a master's degree in public policy from Harvard Kennedy School. My grandfather invented the bird dance, and my penis is the same size as an 18 month old's arm, including the little fist at the end.
[00:05:43] I'm gonna let you in on one of my favorite lies. If I say the wrong thing and offend someone, I of course apologize. Then I tell them that I have a brother who has the same thing that I was talking about when I offended them. And then they can't be mad at me anymore. Let's see, I'll give you a couple examples. I apologize. I didn't mean to be offensive. I actually have a brother who has down syndrome. He's always so positive and happy, I forget that it's considered a disability sometimes. He's my hero. See? It's easy. And now they can't be mad at me. I'm sorry. I actually have an adopted brother who's indigenous, and I've seen the effects that generational trauma can have even on a person raised in a family as loving as ours. I shouldn't be so insensitive. See, Scot free. I get up scot free. When I do that last example, I apologize for any offense in my last joke My brother is actually an old, toothless Korean hooker.
[00:06:39] Do you guys know who has it tough now? I think bums. Yeah, I think bums have it tough. Being a bum nowadays is like being a payphone. You never see them in nice places and, ugh, imagine touching one.
[00:06:53] Plus, nobody carries change anymore, and that's ruined their business model. The golden age of the bum wasn't that long ago. Remember, we all had pockets full of coins and giving some away made your pants fit better. Yeah, A fellow would come up to you and ask you for some change. So you'd pull a handful out of your jeans, pick, pick out the toonies and loonies, toss them the rest, and then you'd feel like you just solved homelessness. And there was always that one buddy of yours that was weirdly jealous of the bums. Oh, don't give them any money. They make as much as lawyers. Yeah, I don't know. They sure don't look like they make as much as lawyers, do they? But now I tap a card for everything I pay for, so I never have change. A bum asks me for change now, and I feel like I have to break the news to them. Buddy, it's 2025. Nobody has change. We left change behind with Blockbuster Video, flirting at work, fax machines, saying yolo and listening to songs with guitar solos. Anyway, bums need the tap now. Wouldn't that fix their problem? Don't you think? Imagine a guy asking it for 10 bucks and then pulling out a little square reader. You'd have to think pretty quickly to get out of that. Eh? I'd ask him if he takes American Express, and then I'd beat it before he asks if I have a debit card. The only change I carry now is my superstore cart. Loonie? Yep. I'm not giving that up to anybody for anything. What, do you expect me to carry my groceries through the store in a basket like I'm carrying lunch to my grandma's house? No, no, Mr. Bum. You need my loonie to get food. Weirdly enough, so do I.
[00:08:16] You know, I only need that loonie for Superstore, though, and I actually prefer going to Costco. I love everything about that place. Good prices, cheap hot dogs, that weird interaction when you leave where someone looks at your cartoon and then draws a Sharpie across the receipt. What are they even doing? I mean, they know I didn't put the stuff in the cart, right? Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was at Costco, and I saw a guy there who had to be in his 90s or hundreds or whatever the upper range of human age is. He had that last days of Jimmy Carter look about him, just pale gray skin stretched over a skull with a frozen expression, just longing for death. He had an oxygen tank. He was in a wheelchair. He was being pushed around the whole nine yards. And as I'm watching this old geezer get wheeled through Costco, I couldn't help but think, should he really be buying in bulk? I mean, a lifetime supply of anything for him is like one.
