Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] I'm from Canmore. Don't be too impressed. I rent. Canmore is a really nice place to live, but our economy is based on a strategy called screw the tourists. I don't have a problem with that. But the grocery store doesn't know I'm a local, so I have to pay $18 for an onion. What can I tell you about myself? I'm in my 50s, in case you couldn't tell. I'm at the age where people lie to you about how old you look as a form of a compliment. You're 53. You could totally pass for 48. Well, who the hell wants to pass for 48?
[00:00:27] Who's out there thinking, oh, if only I could have that golden year of 48 back?
[00:00:32] It's either that or they tell me they like the color of my shirt. That's the only other compliment we get. I like the color of your shirt. Yeah, thanks. It was clean and on top of the basket.
[00:00:42] Look, I know I have a weird body. I've got the head and torso of a guy who's 64 and the legs of someone who's 5 3. Yeah, I've heard it all. Hey, buddy. You look like a short guy who had half a wish. Granted, that used to bother me until the body positivity movement helped me realize I'm not weird, I'm special.
[00:01:00] I might be the world's tallest midget.
[00:01:03] You can see it now, can't you? I'm all torso. I look ridiculous on a treadmill, my short little legs pumping away. I look like a penguin running to catch a bus. I'm the human equivalent of a wiener dog. The first time I said that I was the world's tallest midget, someone goes, you can't say midget. That's offensive.
[00:01:20] Yeah, well, it's my body. I'm reclaiming the word. This is my journey, you know? I'm taking back the power and owning my truth, which just happens to be that I look like a grown up toddler when I say midget. It's not derogatory. It's brave and resilient. And haters will say, just use the term little person. But I'm not little. I can't be the world's tallest little person. That's just a person. It's like being the richest bum at the homeless shelter or the best looking woman at bingo.
[00:01:49] I'm a proud member of Generation X. Do we have any other Gen Xers out there?
[00:01:53] Yeah, we're the last cool generation. We had the Fonz, Danny Zuko Magnum PI what do these younger folks have now, eh? Caillou Dora.
[00:02:03] Do you remember when we were the here for a good time, not a long time crowd? The plan was to live fast and die young.
[00:02:09] How's that working out for everyone? Yeah, we're on to plan B now, aren't we? Live slow, die eventually.
[00:02:16] Do you guys remember pre gaming? Before we went to the club, we'd all go to a buddy's house and do shots. Some of you take a little MDMA or do a few bumps of cocaine on the way in to stay on point.
[00:02:26] Yeah, pregaming is a little different now, isn't it? I don't know about you guys, but for me it's a nap. The only pills I'm popping are a couple of Tylenol while I try to think of an excuse not to go out. How many of you are here because you couldn't think of a reason to not come?
[00:02:40] Before I hit the bar, I have to do a couple of bumps of ibuprofen to make it through the night.
[00:02:44] I don't get to hang out with my friends anymore as much as I used to. They're busy, I'm busy. There's too much going on.
[00:02:51] Hanging out with my friends at my age is like sex. When you've been married for a long time, it doesn't happen unless it's with someone from work, and then it doesn't count. Do you know who has it tough? Bums.
[00:03:02] Being a bum now is like being a payphone. You never see them in nice places and, ugh, imagine touching one.
[00:03:09] Plus, nobody carries change and that's ruined their business model. The golden age of the bum wasn't that long ago. If you ever hang around with bums, they never stop talking about it. Remember when everyone had pockets full of coins and giving some away made their pants fit better?
[00:03:25] Back then, a guy would come up to you and ask you for spare change, and you'd gladly give him some. You dig into your pocket and pull out a handful, pick out the toonies and loonies and toss them the rest. And you would feel like you just solved homelessness.
[00:03:38] Everyone had some dumb buddy who was weirdly jealous of the bums. Hey, don't give those guys any money. I've heard they make more than lawyers.
[00:03:45] Yeah, I don't know. They sure didn't look like they made more than lawyers, did they?
[00:03:50] But now I tap a card for everything, so I never have change. A bum asks me for change now, and I feel like I have to Break the news to him, buddy. It's 2025. I don't have change. Nobody has changed. We left change behind with fax machines, Blockbuster Video and flirting at work. You know, the good old days.
[00:04:09] Bums need the tap now. Imagine a guy asking it for 10 bucks and then pulling out a little square reader. You'd have to think pretty quickly to get out of that, eh? I'd ask him if he takes American Express and then beat it before he asks if I have a debit card.
[00:04:23] The only change I carry now is my Superstore cart loony. And I'm not giving that up to anybody for anything.
[00:04:28] This is the only thing that keeps me from being one of those people in the grocery store carrying a shit around in a basket. You ever see these weirdos?
[00:04:35] The best is when they're doing it and they try to act like they meant to. Like they had a choice between a basket and a cart and they chose the basket. Losers. You didn't choose the basket. You just can't hang on to a loonie.
[00:04:49] No, no, no, Mr. Bum. You need my loony to get food. Weirdly enough, so do I.
[00:04:55] I only need that loony for Superstore. Though I actually prefer Costco.
[00:05:00] And what about the weird interaction when you leave Costco where someone glances at your cart, then draws a line on your receipt with a Sharpie? What the hell is that all about?
[00:05:09] I think they're checking to see that there's nothing extra in your cart. Except, don't they know you don't put the stuff in your cart? They do.
[00:05:15] I mean, that person isn't really doing anything.
[00:05:18] If you have four things, it takes them about three seconds. If you have 58 things, still three seconds.
[00:05:24] Imagine having a job that's that meaningless, where you do nothing.
[00:05:28] Hey, welcome to your new job here at Costco. Pretty good pay, nice benefits, you get to wear what you want. What do you do? Well, nothing. Yeah, yeah, no, but you have to stand in one place all day while you do it.
[00:05:41] Yeah. This store has 2 to 4,000 people walk through the doors every day, and we make them stand in a long line just waiting for you to do nothing.
[00:05:51] Also, no matter what, they can't leave until you do it. Here's your Sharpie. Welcome to Costco.
[00:05:57] A few weeks ago, I was at Costco, and I saw a guy there who had to be in his 90s or hundreds or whatever the upper range of human age is.
[00:06:04] He had that Last days of Jimmy Carter look about him. Just pale gray skin stretched over A skull with a frozen expression, longing for death. He had an oxygen tank, a wheelchair, the whole nine yards.
[00:06:17] As I'm watching this old geezer get wheeled through Costco, I couldn't help but think, should he really be buying in bulk?
[00:06:24] Like isn't a lifetime supply of anything for him like one?
[00:06:29] Let me finish with a couple jokes. These are the kind you can tell tomorrow when you're at work.
[00:06:34] A middle aged fat guy goes to his doctor. He says, doc, you gotta help me. I go to the gym, I eat healthy, I take walks every evening. I just can't lose the weight. The doctor tells him I've got a new medication, Ozempic, but I'm not sure about it. How about you take it for a week, then you skip a week, then you take it for a week, then you skip a week, do that for a couple of months and then come back and see me? Well, a couple of months goes by and the man never comes back. But the doctor doesn't think much about it. A while later he sees the man's wife at the grocery store. So he goes up and talks to her. I saw your husband a while back and prescribed a new medication for him. How's he doing? Oh, my husband died, says the lady.
[00:07:10] Oh no, says the doctor. I hope it wasn't the medication.
[00:07:14] No, it was the skipping.
[00:07:17] An old guy goes in for a colonoscopy and after it's over the doctor goes in to see him and says, I have some news for you, but when I tell it, you're going to wish I was an astrologer because cancer is in Uranus.
