Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Hello, I'm from Canmore. Don't be too impressed. I rent. Canmore is a really nice place to live, but our economy is based on a strategy called screw the tourists. I don't have a problem with that. But the grocery store doesn't know I'm a local, so I have to pay $18 for an onion. What else can I tell about me?
[00:00:16] I'm in my 50s, in case you couldn't tell. I'm at the age where people lie to you about how old you look as a form of a compliment. You're 53. You could totally pass for 48. Who the hell wants to pass for 48? Who's out there thinking, if only I could have that golden year of 48 back. Nobody wants to be 48. It just happens to you. I'm a proud member of Generation X. Do we have any other Gen Xers out there?
[00:00:39] Yeah, we had the last cool generation, eh? We had the Fonz, Evel Knievel, Magnum PI what do these younger folks have now? I really don't know. Dora, do you remember we were the hair for a good time, not a long time crowd.
[00:00:53] The plan was to live fast and die young.
[00:00:56] Yeah, how's that working out for everyone? Yeah, now we're on to plan B. Live slow, die eventually.
[00:01:03] Do you guys remember pre gaming? Before we go to the club or the bar, we'd all go to a buddy's house and do shots of something.
[00:01:09] Some of you would take MDMA or do a few bumps of cocaine to stay on point.
[00:01:15] Pregame is a little different now, eh? I don't know about you guys, but. But for me, it's a nap. Yeah, the only pills I'm popping are a couple of Tylenol while I try to think up an excuse not to go out before I hit the bar. Now I have to do a couple bumps of ibuprofen to make it through the night.
[00:01:32] I still enjoy drinking and I like to be social. But I'm older, I get tired. You know, the idea of putting in a full day, then showering, changing, catching an Uber, going somewhere loud. Honestly, I'd rather be set on fire.
[00:01:45] I don't like to stay up late. I can't be awake at 2am If I wake up and need to go to the bathroom at 2am, it ruins my whole next day.
[00:01:53] Think about what we used to do. We'd get off work, we'd start drinking around 9 or 10pm we'd continue until 2 or 3am we'd crash, wake up just in time to go to work. It was fun. Then, horrible. Now I flipped that. I like to start drinking at like 9 or 10am I drink until 2 or 3pm I crash. I wake up just in time to go to bed. It's beautiful. It's a waste of a day, sure, but that's why we get two days off.
[00:02:20] Day drinking. Man, it's the best. I wish they had bars that catered to it. I'd call mine Early Birds. Yeah, the menu would have toast and cereal on it. Happy hour would start at 9am with four dollar shafts and mimosas for the ladies.
[00:02:34] Set of sports on the TVs it'd be the Price is Right in Judge Judy.
[00:02:38] Non alcoholic menu is simple. It's coffee.
[00:02:41] Hey, you can come as you are and you don't have to worry about a sitter. The kids are already at daycare. When you drive home, you can relax. Mid afternoon, the cops are all busy with court appearances and paperwork. You never see check stops at 3:00pm you know, I don't get to hang out with my friends as much as I used to. They're busy, I'm busy. There's just too much going on. Hanging out at my age is like sex. When you've been married for a long time, it only happens with people from work.
[00:03:08] Do you know who I think has it tough?
[00:03:10] Bums.
[00:03:12] Yeah, being a bum now is like being a payphone. You never see them in nice places and ugh, could you imagine touching one?
[00:03:21] Plus, nobody carries change and that's ruined their business model. The golden age of the bum wasn't that long ago. You know. Remember when everyone had pockets full of coins and giving some away made your pants fit better.
[00:03:32] A guy would come up to you and ask you for some spare change and you would gladly give him some. You'd dig into your pocket, pull out a handful, pick out the toonies and loonies and toss them the rest. And you'd feel like you just solved homelessness.
[00:03:45] Remember, everybody had some dumb buddy who was weirdly jealous of the bums. Hey, don't give those guys any money. I hear they make more than lawyers. I don't know. They sure don't look like they make more than lawyers, do they?
[00:03:58] But now I tap a card for everything I pay for, so I never have change.
[00:04:01] A bum asks me for change now and I feel like I have to break the news to him. Buddy, it's 2025. Nobody has change. We left change behind with cigarette machines, Blockbuster Video and flirting at work. You know the Good old days.
[00:04:15] Bums need the tap. Now, imagine a guy asking for 10 bucks and pulling out a little square reader. You have to think pretty quickly to get out of that, eh? I'd ask him if he takes American Express and then beat it before he asks if I have a debit card.
[00:04:29] The only change I carry now is my Superstore cart loony, and I'm not giving that up to anybody for anything. This is the only thing that keeps me from being one of those losers in Superstore carrying their shit around in a basket.
[00:04:41] Oh, I'm sorry. You need my loonie to get food. Weirdly enough, so do I.
[00:04:47] You only need that loonie at Superstore, though. And to be honest, I prefer Costco.
[00:04:52] In fact, I like Costco so much, it reminds me of church. Going to church back in my Catholic days. You know, I go on Sunday mornings.
[00:05:00] Both places are really popular with people that have a lot of kids.
[00:05:04] A friend of mine was molested there.
[00:05:09] And also, both require you to line up at the end. In one, it's to receive the blood and body of Christ, and the other is some guy who makes a line on your receipt with a Sharpie.
[00:05:19] Either way, it's a blessing. I even say amen, just like in church.
[00:05:23] Last week I was in Costco and I saw an old man. Like, when I say old, I mean Last Days of Jimmy Carter old. He must have been in his 90s or his hundreds or whatever. The upper limit is just gray skin stretched over a skeleton. His eyes were staring off into the distance. His mouth was hanging open. He was in a wheelchair with oxygen the whole nine yards.
[00:05:44] And as I watched this guy being wheeled through Costco, I couldn't help but wonder, should this guy be buying in bulk?
