Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: I'm from Canmore, but before you get too impressed, I rent. I don't live there because I'm rich. I live there because it's the closest place to where I work. Canmore is a really nice place to live, but the economy is based on this screw the tourist strategy. And when I go to the grocery store, they don't know I'm not a tourist, so I have to pay $12 for an onion. Do you ever press the elevator button? A whole bunch of times because you're in a hurry and you think it makes the elevator go faster. Could you imagine if that's how they worked? What a dick move that would be, eh? You press the button like half a dozen times, the doors fly open, there's some hysterical mom and her two crying children just picking themselves off the ground, groceries everywhere, and all you can say is going up.
It must be a tough time to be a bum. Do you remember the golden age of the bum? Back when we all had pockets full of change and giving some of it away actually made your pants fit better? The best time to be a bum wasn't that long ago, because what were you gonna do with pockets full of change? People haven't been able to buy things with change for a couple of decades. A bum would come up to you and ask for spare change, and you'd gladly unload a handful. You'd sift out the good stuff, keep the toonies and the loonies, pick out the pennies and toss the rest to the guy, and you'd feel like you just solved homelessness. Remember, there were urban legends about panhandlers making six figures. Your buddy would say something dumb like, some of these guys make more than lawyers.
[00:01:23] Speaker B: Really?
[00:01:24] Speaker A: They sure didn't look like lawyers, did they? I guess they just shit their pants to stay on brand. But now no one carries cash. I tap for everything. A guy asked me for spare change, and now I feel like I have to break the news to him. Buddy, it's 2025. Nobody has change. We left change behind with smoking in restaurants and flirting at work.
Bums need the tap. Now imagine a bum coming up to you holding a little square reader. You'd have to get a little creative to get out of giving him five bucks. Eh, Just ask him if he takes American Express and beat it out of there before he suggests your debit card.
The only change I carry anymore is my superstore cart loonie. And I'm sure as hell not giving that up. That loony is the only thing stopping me from Being that guy carrying a bag of potatoes through the store.
I saw a guy at Costco the other day who had to be in his 90s, or he might have been 100. He had an oxygen tank, wheelchair, the whole deal. He was being pushed around the store and he had that how am I still alive look that the really old have. I couldn't help but think when I saw him, should someone in that condition really be buying bulk? I think we can all agree that most of us spend too much time on our phones. And the apps that we use say a lot about us. Me, my favorite app is my McDonald's app. It's always there for me. It checks in, sends me little messages. Hey, buddy, just thinking about you. I don't suppose you're in the mood for a quarter pounder. And you know what? Now that you mention it, yeah, I am. My therapist asks me dumb things like, have you tried mindfulness? The McDonald's app says, you know, we have a triple cheeseburger.
My doctor wants me to think about my long term health. Meanwhile, McDonald's is like, or you could be happy right now.
Have you ever lost the TV remote so completely that it changed your life? Mine's been missing for three days, and in those three days, I've lost five pounds. For some reason, I've started praying again, mostly for God to help me find my remote. I can't find it anywhere. At this point, I'm convinced one of the cats ate it. I'm scooping the litter twice a day just for a sign of anything that might bring me closure. I think this is how serial killers are made. I don't know how long I can take it. I'm just a man staring into a blank tv. My own reflection looking back at me. Eventually, that reflection is going to start whispering things like, find the remote or someone has to die.
I'm new to comedy, but I've done public speaking before. That includes Voice of God work. Basically what that is, it's making announcements at an event or a show, telling groups of people what to do over a microphone. The crazy thing is, 99% of the people do what you ask without really thinking about it. The other 1%, by the way, are assholes. For example.
[00:04:13] Speaker B: Everyone, the presentation will start in two minutes. Please mute your cell phones and take your seat.
[00:04:19] Speaker A: And most of you will mute your cell phones and take a seat. I fantasize about being able to do this anywhere, anytime. Maybe get a cart with a big speaker and a microphone. I just take it anywhere I go for the betterment of society. I could offer suggestions or maybe make commands to make things go smoother.
[00:04:38] Speaker B: Everyone, cell phone speakers are not for use in public.
Attention, parents. This restaurant reminds you that only you can tell your kids to shut the hell up or. Attention, Calgary drivers. The zipper merge is not a test of dominance.
[00:04:54] Speaker A: It is.
[00:04:55] Speaker B: You go, I go, the next car goes, and so on. You learned this in kindergarten.
[00:05:01] Speaker A: Thanks a lot, everybody.
